Random Thoughts

Sometimes, I just want to lose touch with my emotions. I want to be numb. I don’t want to feel anything.


I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to know whether it will happen or not. If tomorrow never comes, I would still be happy.


I want to stand firm, but sometimes… the wind just won’t stop blowing.


When is the right time to give up? When is the right time to hold on? When do you know it is right?


Broken relationships. Will they ever be fixed?


I wish I didn’t grow up. I wish I had forever been a toddler. You can just cry when you get frustrated. And won’t even care if you ever get what you cried for or not.


I wish I didn’t have to think and weigh things. I wish everything will just flow without me having to decide.

Ms Petite International

Out of the blue… I just wanted to awaken the beauty queen in me (if there is any hormone that wouldn’t protest!)

2 years ago I told myself that I will not let my 24th birthday go without joining a beauty pageant. Usually, 24 is the age limit of beauty contests. I had long forgotten this dream of mine until I chanced upon a website about petite beauty titlists. I read through the page and found out that the contest is open for applicants 18 to 29 years old. Can you believe that? Of course I emailed. I don’t know the answer yet but let’s see how it will go.

Keep you posted!


(Stop laughing!)

Forgiveness.

I don’t think Sean will ever read this blog so I’ll go talk about him again. He hated this classmate of his named Na Young because she kept on telling the whole world that Sean likes her. Sean was really pissed off and wouldn’t talk to her since. He would avoid her and show Na Young that he hates her. I told Sean to forgive Na Young and you can imagine this boy yelling “NO WAY! I HATE HER!”

In my heart, I know that God was speaking to me. Sean and I are in the same page. I also hate a woman I used to consider a close friend. I haven’t forgiven her since that day she arrogantly dismissed my sweet smile. I wish it was so easy to forgive her for being so abusive with her words but it is just not that easy. I hate her so bad. I can’t even afford to look at her face for more that 5 seconds. I want to vomit. God always reminds me of how He had forgiven me of the horrible things that I have done. But… I don’t know, I just don’t know how to forgive her. No matter how many times I read any verse about forgiveness, I just can’t stand forgiving her.

And him… I thought I had forgiven him. I still think of him as an ass. I can’t forgive what he has done to me. Whenever I think of him... I imagine a scene where I would slap his face till it gets as red as strawberry. (That’s mean!)

Imprisoned. Unhappy. Frustrated.

The heart of a child.

Sean is my little one. He’s the grade 4 boy I had been teaching for over a year now. (It was our anniversary last November)

I was touched by the story Sean told me yesterday. They got this homework about heroes. Find your hero and make a paragraph or two about this person and report it to class. Sean chose a Korean guy who invented the Korean alphabet. Billy, his classmate, chose Jesus. How sweet. Sean said Billy was even teary eyed while he was talking about ‘his’ hero.

Is He your hero too?

Busy weekend

I always look forward to Fridays and weekends because it is my time for rest, but not last weekend.

Friday. It was jam packed. We had our team building after the shift until late at night. I had to leave early coz james’ mom was in the hospital. We went to visit her there. She’s fine now.

Saturday. It’s melai’s wedding. Huwat? Is she really getting married? Well, she is. Congrats Obet and Melai! Alagaan mo si toyo ah! Heheh.. I love you melai!

Sunday. Finally! Alex and I were able to meet after almost 3 months! Our schedule just doesn’t meet! Then, I went Christmas shopping. It was almost done. A few people left in my list.
I’m happy it’s Monday, except the fact that I have to wake up early again for the next 5 days!

Lee Make History

My friend’s work has been picked for the Lee Make History contest in Europe. You might want to check out his work here… http://makehistory. eu/ and VOTE for his entry too! It is entitled 80’s Child of the Year 2000! (Upper left… rate the photo!)

Thank you!

I love this day

Roughly an hour after I posted my message, I realized that I should be thankful that I went to work today. If I didn’t go to my classes today, it would trim down the numbers in my pay slip at the end of the month so I guess it’s a good thing since it’s double pay or 30% (I’m not sure) today. It isn’t all that bad anyway. Hahha.. just want to share (…and redeem myself for being so stubborn this morning) I just feel a lot better now than when I started my day. Thank you Jesus!

I hate this day

The whole Philippines is having a vacation today except all the teachers in our school! L It’s not what I am sad about. It’s the fact that I should have been in the retreat (Nov 29 to Dec 1) until now but I had to go home earlier yesterday noon because I have work today. I feel so so bad. And guess what?! 4 of my students today were absent. Come on! I should have been absent today instead too!!!

I tried to ask permission for a leave but I was declined. I tried again. Obviously, they didn’t allow me. That time, my quiet time was about ‘miracles’ and I was asking God how He could show me His miracle and God impressed in my heart about the retreat. Maybe God could allow some miracles so the management would allow me to take a day off on the last day of the retreat which is today, Monday.

I felt that I didn’t do my best explaining that my presence in the retreat was vital given that I’ll have a performance on the 1st night and will be hosting on the 2nd night and that I’m part of the Singles’ Core Team and the Retreat Core team too. I should have told them those. I already accepted defeat without trying my very best.

Lesson learned: Try try try. Don’t accept defeat until it’s over. Who knows? God can do miracles! (I wish I could bring back time)

God’s wonders…

God never fails to touch my heart whenever I hear people’s testimony of God’s power in turning their lives around. God is truly in the business of changing lives. He can turn a sinner into a saint worshipping Him only.

I just finished reading 2 testimonies of people I work with in the ministry. I was so amazed at how God worked in their lives and allowed them to have a complete turn around! Like what the Bible says, “I am a new creation!”

I was reminded of God’s grace. I was reminded of how God has delivered me from the pain of the past and even the pain of the present. His love and mercy keeps me alive!

Job 37

It helps to know that God is majestic and that God is in control of everything.

I'm glad to have You!

Reminisce

I long to meet you. I long to see your face. When I read your love letters, it makes me feel even more excited to spend the rest of my life with you.

I received a letter from Nathalie. It was great hearing about how You are working in their lives. I wonder what it would be like if I was there. It reminded me of the simple life You had me experience while I was in that far away place… Would You like me to come back?

October

October has been a very very very busy month. Have I said I was busy in October? Well, got classes here and there. (and again… no complaints! Just airing my mmm whatever you call it!)
I’m happier now than weeks ago. It has been stressful. I don’t know.. mood swings.. PMS… clinical depression. I have no idea! But glad it was over. My life is starting to be back to normal again (somehow). Hey, got my request approved. Full time na ko sa duzon yehey!
That’s all the update I have for now!

(corny.. haha.. will try to update some more next time)

Busy mode

Ang damiiiiii kong studentsssssss... huhuhu (I'm not complaining! Just stating a fact. hihihi... Jesus, thank you that I have work.)

Bloopers!

Imagine my horror when I said good-bye to my student... "Bye Henry! Nice having class with you! See you tomorrow!"

Then he goes, "Ahmm... teacher, this is not Henry. This is JOE!"

HAHAHAHA....

Sometimes it's just nice to have a big laugh!!!

(I got all sorts of messages in Skype after that... "Hey Viv, was that you laughing???? Ang lakas mo tumawa!")

I Can Only Imagine

Im not sure whats in me again today that I feel so down. Thank God for music! I listened to this song and got back to my senses again... I can only imagine what it would be like when I am standing side by side with Jesus... *kilig* what a day to look forward to! I long to see Your face...

By: MercyMe
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah,
will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

[Chorus]
I can only imagine [x2]
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you

I can only imagine

Things change...

sad :(

Revival

I’m not very good at keeping my blog. I moved several times since I posted my first blog.. blogspot.. Friendster.. another Friendster account.. then moved back in to blogspot.. I even had livejournal in between! All of them, I was not able to keep. Well, let me try to revive this blog at least. Keeping all of those might be too much on my plate!

...

Today isn't a very special day. I woke up at 3am, left the house at 4am and started class at 5am. (Yes, my life starts at 3am. I teach English online and this is my schedule.)

I got a seatmate here on my left, MC. At the end of her class she realized she forgot to record her class. That would equal to a memo / IR = Incident report. It is like a red card in soccer (or perhaps just yellow). She was devastated and so was I. We were both dreaming of becoming Team Leaders "someday" and now she got one bad record because of that record button!

Life isn't always what we wanted it to be. But like what they say... It is not what happens to you. It is how you react to them.

We had breakfast and prayed together. She got a little bit teary eyed after we prayed. I was touched by her gesture when she said she has never been prayed like that before.

I have not been doing that for some time and I need to do that more often. I felt like I am very aloof to people at times that I don't care about what happens to others as long as I'm alive and kicking.

God was somehow talking to me. I need more compassion and love for others. And that calls for a revival! #

After 10 years!

I can't remember the last time I posted. Hehehe... So many things happened between the last time I posted till now (malamang, that's like 10 years in between)!

Nothing so important and urgent. Just wanted to say that my blog is still alive. Hehe..

I'm enjoying the rain. I've been wearing long sleeves for at least a week already. I look so professional; I think it's cool. I don't look 21. I look... maybe 27 or 28. :p (For the record, I'm 24. And look 21 when I'm in jeans and 28 when I'm in long sleeves!)

Geesh.. just got a news from Mrs Lee. I got no classes from weds onwards. When will I have my next class? I dont know! Wahhh.. Zero balance na naman ATM ko. Hehe.. I froze when Mrs Lee told me that but well, I know things happen for a reason. Like what James told me yesterday, don't get through things just because, let your reason be "to glorify God" in everything. God be glorified in this time of stress and financial drought! ;p i love you Jesus!

that's all..

till next post!

Next in line...

I was supposed to grab a book for Trevor (my student) yesterday but Manga Messiah was out of stock already so I just went around and checked out some books.

These are some nice books I found (and planning to buy next pay day ~wink~)

1. Xtreme Faith True Stories of teens on a sacred journey by Kelly Carr
*i think this book is really interesting. well, its for teens but i bet all can learn from their stories!

2. What Makes a Winner by Whit Criswell
*the title says it all! what makes a winner!

3. A Wife After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George
*I don't think I'll wait to become a wife before i read this book. i wanna know what i should do before i get there!

4. Relationships How to make bad relationships better and good relationships great by Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott
*it comes with a workbook so i think it would be nice to buy it and read it with your partner.


Visiting a bookstore is always a nice experience!

I’m back

I’m back to being myself, finally!

During my journey in the desert, I kept praying “Lord, bring me back to being me. I want to be Viviene again.”

And last night, I finally heard myself laugh for the first time and I mean really laugh! I have a very distinct laughter so it’s always easy to figure out if I’m present in an event or not. Or if you are trying to find me in the crowd, it’s easy to spot me. Just listen to my voice (to my laughter to be exact) and there you will find me!

I cracked a joke that made Mara really laugh hard. She said, “Oh my Viviene. You are really back. It’s good to see you around again!” I somewhat detached myself from the world for quite some time.

Two nights ago, Dr. Larry said before we parted after the Toastmasters meeting, “It’s good to see you more regularly now.” I always have a lot of alibi for not attending our meetings.

And check out my room now… My room is a very accurate gauge of my emotional condition. I never allow my room to be messy. It’s my space and I want it neat and clean at all times! And when I am upset, disappointed or depressed I assure you, my room is no different from a jungle! LOL

I’m so happy to finally be back! Yehey! It’s nice to visibly see that I’m going back to a normal life.

Exodus 13:19

‘Moses took the bones of Joseph with him, for Joseph had made the sons of Israel swear that they would take his bones with them when God led them out of Egypt – as he was sure God would.’

Say what? I don’t know what you call that but I would simply call that faith. It’s like saying… “I might not witness it but I’m certain God will do as He promised so go take my bone when it happens, all right?”

You can count on God’s promises!

Deliverance

God must have intentionally led me to read Exodus in my quiet time to make the lessons come more alive in my life.

I had been enslaved with worry, guilt and unforgiveness that led to depression for days, weeks or maybe months. I isolated myself from ministry, fellowship and church activities in general. I just want to be alone.

Then just some nights ago, I had a coffee chat with Weng. Apparently, she’d been noticing that I am ‘not’ ok. In as much as I want to establish my composure, I was just brought to tears as I pour my heart out. You call that breathing!

And now, I am absolutely sure that… I had been delivered. I’m ready to face life again. Armed with God’s strength, I know I can now stand again.

Saving Grace

Night and day I seek Your face
Long for You in the secret place
All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more...

As the waters cover the sea,
So Your love covers me
Guiding me on,
Roads unkown
I trust in You alone

CHORUS
My Saving Grace
My endless love
Deeper and deeper
I'm falling in love with You
My one desire
My only truth
Deeper and deeper
I'm falling in love with you

BRIDGE
And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in Your open arms of love

A song that brought me to tears this morning! It spoke of my heart... "All I want in this life
Is to truly know you more..."

I'm in love with You, Lord!

Suffocated

1 week of not breathing is really something! I had no internet at home nor in school, so wasnt able to visit my blog for a week! This is my breathing place. And not breathing for a week is suffocating! Stress is up until my neck and had a tremendous break down 2 nights ago. Everything is well now. ~wink~

I shall return with my normal blogging in a few days. Heheh...

Knowing You

All I once held dear built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

(Chorus:)
Knowing you, Jesus knowing you
There is no greater thing
You're my all you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you ,lord
Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you, and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

(Chorus)

Oh to know the power of your risen life
And to know you in your suffering
To become like you in your death my Lord
So with You to liveAnd never die

(Chorus)

God spoke to me in a special way through this song. There really is no greater thing than knowing Jesus!

Coffee Fellowship

I had such an awesome time last night with Omar, Pam, Macey and Tito --- (oh my, i forgot his name!). We had a night of kwento kwento and more kwento. I shared with them the "inside story" about what is going on in my life now and has been going on since last year. God moved Pam to pray for me (thank you Pam. really appreciate it). Omar drove me home too and got more of the "inside story" I can't thank God enough for last night!


Coffee Fellowship Night
about 9.30pm / every last Friday of the month
Free flowing coffee, music and kwentuhan!

Friday Night Movie (FREE)
7.30pm / every last Friday of the month
inspiring and encouraging movies that will move you!

CCF Alabang
Madrigal Business Park

I really encourage you to attend! If you have questions email me here or call CCF Alabang at 772-3035. Everyone is welcome. And i mean everyone (that includes you!)

Books to read...

I love Julie Ann Barnhill!

I've read her book Scandalous Grace and just finished another book of hers yesterday, Radical Forgiveness. They're truly must-reads!

Scandalous Grace (thank you Neng for lending me one and Mark for eventually giving me one last Christmas!) - this book is about just every woman like you and me who've hurt God whether small or BIG. It is about how much God loves us inspite of those "bad" things we have done. He still wants to offer you and me Scandalous Grace. You will definitely find yourself in the pages of this book.

Radical Forgiveness (again thank you Neng for lending me the book. i will return it tomorrow) - this is about how marvelous God's forgiveness is. It made me realize that indeed I need to forgive... 1.) those people (well in my case that one person!) who has hurt us so bad, 2.) forgive God for the things He has done or hasnt done in our lives, 3.) forgive ourselves for the super most stupidestest (have i said stupid yet?) thing we have done in the past. Wow, how liberating to finally forgive!

Fellow traveller

This is my place to breathe. Feel free to breathe too. I know we’ll be able to relate in one way or another. I know we’ll connect…

This is my place to learn. I’m sure I will learn a lot from you. Perhaps you’ve been there, done that. Or maybe I’ve been there, done that. I hope this learning place would help both you & me.

This is my place. This is your place. You can own it if you want.